Sleeping like a baby

    I just want him to sleep. He is so tired! I put him down as I always do between 6 and 6:30 pm. I said our evening prayers and sang the song I always sing to him. I swaddled him and put him in his crib with his pacifier and doll/blanket thingy. He went down beautifully and closed his eyes sweetly. I walked out. Ahhhh. I grabbed dinner and turned on NBC’s The Voice. Through the struggle of the singers in their battles, I heard the first squeak...and then the kvetch...and then the cry.  Grrrrr. I lift him out of the co-sleeper and calm him down. I call in backup - my husband, Dov - to re-swaddle him, once our baby is calm.  Dov is brilliant at swaddling and I am just mediocre which is basically saying my swaddles are awful, although it’s not totally my fault since my little man is a serious escape artist.

Now he is calm, re-swaddled. And then he starts to fidget in my arms and tries with all his might to break out..again. The pacifier is in his mouth and he complains through it.  I hold him in my arms very tightly against my body. I tell him to relax, "mama is here," and he must sleep because mama knows best and I know he really wants to sleep. He gives one last cry and then, finally, calms down. Sucking fervently on his pacifier, I feel his body relax against me.  I brush my cheek against his, he relaxes further. His eyes get heavy and slowly close. I keep rubbing my cheek against his, ever so lightly. He smells amazing, that newborn scent. It smells like fresh laundry... or maybe I’m also smelling the just laundered blanket I am using to swaddle him. Either way, I inhale his scent and try to keep it locked in my memory somewhere.  I want to store it up and remember it.  They say it goes by so fast. They say your baby changes so fast.
 

In this moment, in this time, he is little and beautiful and calm and smells like fresh laundry.
In this moment, his body rests against mine and he is trusting.
In this moment, I am his mom and have successfully rocked him to sleep.

 I lay him down slowly keeping my face on his cheek until I am sure he is in a deep sleep.  I get up and tiptoe out of the room, he stays sleeping. I stand by the door and listen to his breath go up and down, up and down, he stays sleeping. I get back to dinner and return to my show with a smile on my lips, because I am his mom, and I have successfully rocked my baby to sleep. Hooray!